winchy.com

We can't quite believe that it's been 5 years today without our little, cheeky monkey. It does seems like a long time ago, but at the same time it still feels like yesterday. Despite what you think at the time - life does continue on - albeit a lot differently to what we knew. We would give anything to go back in time. You ask yourself lots of questions all the time. Did we do enough ? Did anything we do contribute in any way to Maddie's illness ? I'm not so sure that we would gain any comfort even if we had answers to those questions - but you can't help but ask them all the same.

The hurt lingers on. People who know you don't understand. I'm sure they think that you just get on with your life and forget about it. They couldn't be further from truth. One or two people makes some comments occasionally but for the most part people forget. People that don't know - I just try and avoid them to be honest. It's very emotional, for them and us, to try and explain.

We love you Maddie. Our lives are much better for having been blessed with your presence. xxx

A new year is upon us and I've decided to give Maddie's web site an entirely new look. We continue to receive many, many messages from all over the world. Thank you to you all for continuing with your love and support - it is most appreciated and helps us to strive forward each day.

Saturday 16th December 2006

Today was a strange sort of day. This year because Maddie's anniversary fell on a weekend, and in particular a busy Saturday morning, it hasn't brought the usual focus and attention that the day normally draws, as we have not deliberately taken a day off work. We have tried to go about our business in a normal manner, doing some grocery shopping in the morning, some household chores in the afternoon. Although we did tell people not to call us. The last thing we feel like today is a mountain of telephone calls and messages. We know family and friends are thinking of us and that's all that counts.

Christmas is approaching again. It's a very painful time of the year there's no too ways about it. There is never a good time to lose a child, let alone at this time of year when there is so much focus on children and families. We continue to put up the tree and surround it with presents. You try to be normal even though you know you're not.

Friday 16th December 2005

Neither of us is working today. It’s a day to spend at home, a day of reflection, a day to be happy, and a day to be sad. For the most part of the year I remember the happy times. Each time I look at Maddie’s smile I’m filled with overwhelming joy. Today is quite different. The joy has been replaced by despair. It is difficult to comprehend how one small date on the calendar has such a dramatic influence on your inner feelings. It’s the one day when I don’t want anything to do with anyone. When I just want to scream and scream and scream at anyone who comes near me. Why Maddie, why us, why anyone. The questions that will never be answered. That’s the hardest part to live with.

Three years. Longer than the time Maddie was alive. They say time heals wounds. I don’t believe that for a minute. Sure it’s a little easier day by day on the surface, but just below is a chasm of emotion just waiting to explode on the simplest of triggers.

This year we’re hosting Christmas and will enjoy the day, but there will be one special little person missing and I don’t think we’ll ever come to terms with that.

Tuesday 16th December 2003

I never thought we would get to today as well as what we have. It was an eerie feeling waking this morning. It felt like Maddie had died last night – not one year ago. Seems such a long time ago yet is so fresh I can feel it everywhere. We stayed home all day and reflected on Maddie’s life. Remembered the good times, reflected on the sad times, but most of all longed for our beautiful little girl. They say that time heals, lessons the pain. I don’t believe it for a minute. The pain we feel is as strong as the day we found out about the monster inside Maddie’s head.

Is such a cruel time of year for us all. Everywhere you go, everywhere you look there are splashings of Christmas. It will be just another day. A day for families. Another day to remind us of what we don’t have.

Friday 8th August 2003

I feel compelled to write something today. It’s been a long time since I’ve added to Maddie’s site. To be honest I lost a bit of interest in keeping it up to date. There didn’t seem much point now that Maddie has gone.

The shock of Maddies’ death is only now beginning to subside and reality is really biting. I’ve found I’ve lost many of those emotions that were overwhelming me in the first few months. I’m no longer feeling angry at everyone around me. I just want my baby back.

I just want her back. I don’t care about anything else right now.